Filters that Block Good Connection
Filters that Block Good Connection
Learning & Retention Tip: Seek Out 1-3 specific pieces of information that have value and significance to you. Write it down and review it 2 times in 24 hours. Write down 1 Action step you commit to…in Sherpa Executive Coaching we refer to this step as IC2 (I Commit To…).
Feeling mis-understood and overwhelmed?
Your brain is making thousands of associations every day on the information that you are exposed to and that information passes through your filters: perceptions, conclusions about life, attitudes, beliefs about yourself, expectations, assumptions, judgements.
Similar to a filter that pulls out unwanted stuff so that you just get what you want: clean air, clean water, etc, your brain filters out unwanted information. This process is called selective filtering.
You may say, yeah, I recognize this in other people and it drives me nuts because I don’t feel like they are listening to me…they have selective hearing.
Actually, we are all guilty of selective seeing and hearing based on our own filters: perceptions, judgments, attitudes, expectations etc.
I see you not as you are but as I am. How I perceive the situation is based upon my own experiences, conclusions about those experiences and beliefs I have made about myself because of those experiences which result in my judgements, self-beliefs, expectations and attitudes.
Now, taking into account that the above statement is true: I see YOU as I AM not as YOU ARE can you imagine the margin of error, resulting in misunderstandings, that is prevalent in every conversation you have with another person?
What’s the remedy?
Clean out your filters and ask questions for clarity.
Spend some time reflecting on filters in your own mind that get in the way of collaborative problem solving and positive connection with people.
For example you may have a filter that comes from a belief you made about yourself when you were young: I need to be right in order to be accepted (accept myself). If I’m not right or feel threatened around my need to be right, as you try to prove me wrong, I will fight back for self-preservation.
In Sherpa Executive Coaching we offer a tool called: I am Right and I am Wrong. You are right in having your perception of a situation based on your experiences and beliefs that are created because of your personal experiences AND you are wrong when it comes to imposing those on another person who has had different experiences and filters created as a result of those experiences.
Servant Leadership is founded on empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Chances are, you are not going to have the same filters as the person you are talking to, yet YOU DO have the ability to empathize from their perspective of the situation. How? Gathering information that helps you gain a fuller model of reality:
- Ask questions for clarity. Your thoughts too often create a drama and cast you as the main character. Step off the stage as soon as you feel stressed out around a conversation and pull back the curtain to what is really going on: what’s real and what is not real.
- Avoid mind-reading: Ask a question for clarity: Based on your body language I am making the conclusion that you don’t think my solution to the situation is a good idea…is that what you are thinking or am I mind-reading?
- Fortune telling: I wasn’t invited to the last team meeting so I fortune tell that I might be getting fired in the future. Again, ask questions for clarity: I noticed I’m not on the email for our next team meeting and wanted to know why I was not included?
- Don’t cast your assumptions on other people. This happens a lot with gossip, our choice of position and groupthink dynamics. As you give yourself permission to have your point of view, respect other people and offer them the same grace. Empathize with another perspective even when it is different than yours.
Groupthink (shared filters): the practice of thinking or making decisions as a group in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility. Basically it’s playground bullying: think like us or you are not allowed to play with us.
___________________________________________
Support Resources for Professional & Personal Excellence:
1. Sherpa Process Driven Executive Coaching
2. Faith Based Coaching: Edge God In Podcast: Relationship Management
3. Health Tip from My Journey: Drink Water: Drink half your body weight in ounces every day. Your body will absorb the water better if you sip the water throughout each hour rather than gulping the entire water bottle down. You will also prevent trips to the bathroom because sipping allows your body to absorb the water rather than having it run through you ; )
Enjoy your gift of life,
True greatness walks through the archway of humility and empathy.
