Illegal Behavior You Want to Avoid in Your Relationships
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Illegal Behavior You Want to Avoid in Your Relationships:
As we are coming up on the Super Bowl, consider how many times the yellow flags are thrown in one game. Sometimes there are yellow flags we wish had been thrown for a clearly seen illegal move on the field. Just as with any established sport, rules are created with the purpose of maintaining sportsman like conduct; supporting a healthy structure; bringing honor; safety and respect to the sport. So too, relationships require rules and regulations which support healthy connection.
Can you imagine having a referee jump in some of your heated discussions, blowing the whistle and throwing a yellow flag:
“15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct!”
How many times in the relationships you care about have you pulled an illegal move? Do you ever metaphorically grab the face-mask of someone you care about? A word, behavior or action, which does not support healthy connection and contradicts your ultimate desire to relate? Surely those penalized for face-mask moves on the field don’t intentionally set out to do so yet in the heat of the moment they end up sabotaging their ultimate goal due to ugly behavior
Perhaps you are tired, overwhelmed; hungry; angry, sick or whatever the fuel is in the emotional animal planet moment, remember you are the gate keeper of what comes out of your mouth, what you think about in your mind and your choice of response.
3 illegal moves, unsportsmanlike conduct you want to avoid in relationships you care about:
- You Always or You Never Statements: these are universal quantifying conclusions, which generalize a specific behavior allowing no room for identifying behavior which contradicts the generalization. For example: you never listen to me. Really? Never ever? This kind of illegal move programs the brain to delete any positive behavior, which would contradict the undesired behavior there by in-prisoning your partner by your conclusion. Authentic love seeks out the best in others. Practice seeing the people in your circle of trust (personally and professionally) for who they desire to be rather than for how their behavior depicts. Is that not how you desire to be seen? Release the urge to verbalize victim statements which hold others captive to your unhealthy conclusions.
- Upping the Ante: This is a very popular illegal move in relationships which renders any good intention for sharing one’s truth null and void. When one partner is sharing a frustration, an illegal move, which sabotages healthy connection, is this: “well you do that too” or “well you do THIS.” A healthy solution which helps release the “up the ante” reactive response: choose a day of the week and commit to sitting down with the person they desire to connect with on a deeper level and share with the following rules in place: take turns sharing 1 or 2 positive observations, something you appreciate about that person specifically. Next take turns communicating a specific situation when you felt unloved; underappreciated or mis-understood (an opportunity for growth and better connection). Now the key to this vulnerable exchange lies in the ground rules. Once the person, who is sharing their vulnerable feelings, expresses their frustration and “when you did this, I felt this” statements, the person listening cannot respond for 20-30 minutes. This experience is of waiting 20-30 minutes is similar to the structure of pulling an emotionally spun player off the field to cool off and regroup. The part of your brain responsible for solution-based thinking literally shuts down when you feel threatened or attacked. This 20–30-minute chunk of time allows for any primal brain flare ups to calm down, allowing for executive thinking skills to kick in. The illegal moves of defensive behavior; ugly talk and stonewalling are kept at bay when you have this sportsmanlike conduct infrastructure established. Once you have time to reflect on the information from a place of observation rather than reactive behavior you gain the ability to choose a healthy response which honors your ultimate desire to create a bridge of connection rather than a wall of separation.
- Passive/Aggressive Antics: too often in relationships we have more than one program running at the same time, which confuses the delivery of information and those around us. Two popular programs which fuel passive/aggressive antics are “the disease to please” and “honest planet.” It looks like this: outside voice: “sure we can go out with your friends tonight” and inside feelings: “I’m exhausted and need to rest and refresh before heading into a new week.” The problem comes when we communicate messages to one another, which do not align with our truth. Too often our desire to please overrides what we are truly feeling as well as healthy self-care systems which allow us to do what we do. Passive aggressive behavior looks like this: I will communicate what I think I should say and do what I think I should do and then get resentful and angry towards you because of my choice to do what I think you want me to do. This is a huge “yellow flag” foul in relationships because the person on the receiving end has no idea how to respond. From their perspective they move forward with plans only to be confronted by ugly behavior and a passive/aggressive disposition, which completely contradicts their partners initial willingness to participate.
Action: Reflect on the 3 illegal moves listed above. Which one do you use on the field of your relationships? What do you want to do differently the next time you feel the urge to step into that illegal move? Remember what you want for yourself, the relationship and the outcome before you step onto the field of communication.
“Live in peace with each other…Encourage the disheartened, help with weak, BE PATIENT with everyone. Make sure nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else…the One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:13-15, 24
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