Behind the Scenes of Being Misunderstood
Learning & Retention Tip:We often seek out information that will help us do two things: thrive and survive. As you read through today’s blog ask yourself: What am I doing in my life that is causing me anxiety? What are my available resources? What resources do I want to gather to myself?
Coaching Questions:What happens in terms of your emotions and behavior when you feel misunderstood? When are you most likely to feel misunderstood? How do you want to respond when you are misunderstood?
Behind the Scenes of Being Misunderstood:
When was the last time you felt misunderstood? Perhaps you said something with a certain intonation and the delivered message didn’t land the way you wanted it to land with the receiver of your message. Or maybe you were on the receiving end of dialogue (flow of meaning) and you misunderstood the intent of the sender. How many times have you said or heard:That’s not what I meant?
We all have filters that our established through our life experience including our values. Many times when we communicate it’s not a pure delivery system. The words we say or use travel through our filters:our judgements, self-perceptions, our past pain, assumptions, life experience, how we think etc.As a result we experience misunderstandings.
Two blogs ago our topic was on intonation. 38% of communication flows through the intonation we use:It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It. Today let’s explore a strategic communication tool that you can use in the midst of misunderstandings as well as use to set up strategic dialogue to prevent misunderstandings.
Set Up:When people are triggered (a filter is usually the culprit) they will often attribute motives that are not true. Motive simply means a reason for doing something that is often hidden or not obvious. One of the ways to avoid these types of misunderstandings (that come from attributing a false motive as to why you think someone said what they said) is to voice your motives up front. For example, you need to have acrucial conversationwith someone who hurt your feelings. You would share your motives upfront:“Hey, I really care about you and our relationship which is why I’m bringing up something that hurt my feelings.”OR“Just so you know, I’m not going to include you in our upcoming meeting because I know you have been in meetings all week and I want to give you a break.”If you did not give this insight the person may attribute motives that block effective flow of meaning. For example, when I hear that you really care about me and our relationship, that creates a sense of safety upfront. When I know that I am not included in a meeting invite because you are sensitive to my crazy schedule, I feel cared for rather than making up story as to why you would not include me in a meeting invite.
In the Midst of Misunderstandings:When you notice that what you are saying is triggering someone in dialogue and you are feeling misunderstood PAUSE and reinforce your motives along with voicing any shared goals (a healthy relationship together, a positive work relationship, working for the same goal at hand). It sounds something like this:“Let’s pause for a minute, I don’t want to create conflict between us…I DO want to share something that is important for me to share because I care about our relationship.”In crucial conversations they refer to this as contrasting.
Your goal is to create mutual purpose and mutual respect. You pause when emotions start to hijack meaning in the dialogue and reinforce what you do intend to do and what you don’t intend to do.
Your goal in relationships is to keep your “lights ON” by being the boss of your emotions and behavior. Use strategic dialogue to help create safe space between you and the person you are in dialogue with. Studies continue to reveal that maintaining a calm, confident and humble attitude in the midst of challenging conversations has the ability to shift the brain waves in the receiver of information from below the line (problem focused) to above the line (solution focused).
Again, a huge element missing from the original Emotional Intelligence theory is that of the Holy Spirit within you to help you discern and manage emotions and behavior in a way that honors God, by loving others well as Jesus did. To create safe space between, is a job for Jesus.
“One high tide lifts all ships.”JFK. Be that high tide this week.
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