It’s Not So Much What You Say, It’s How You Say It
It’s Not So Much What You Say,It’s How You Say It
Can you guess what makes up 38% of our communication? The interesting thing about strategic communication is the fact that we have a choice to be strategic or not. When we are not strategic in the way we communicate, more often than not, we get hijacked by our triggers. When we are hijacked by triggers our emotions get involved and do a funny thing: they cause us to attribute motives to other people’s behavior that are not aligned with truth.
For example, one of your colleagues asks you to introduce them to someone you know in upper management. You feel threatened by this request (triggered) and attribute the motive to their behaviorthat they are asking you to be introduced so that they can get noticed over you for an upcoming promotional opportunity.Instantly you become a mind-reader who begins to fortune tell (make up story about something in the future). This is how drama begins to take over our relationships. The foundation of drama is build on a bed of lies or half-truths that create dis-connect and disruption within relationships we actually care about. When we are triggered we often attribute false motives to people’s behaviors. The solution is to ask for clarity:I’m happy to connect you with ________, just wondering what your motives are for wanting to connect with them?You might shrink back from this type of transparent communication yet it will help thwart the mind-reading and fortune telling fueled drama that keeps you up at night (edit to make it your own). Remember you can only control your own behavior and choices, what other people do with your choice to show up with transparency and authenticity is really not your circus, not your monkey.
Now, the ONE thing that will give you entrance into strategic communication which is too often overlooked is this:your intonation. We have a tool inSherpa Executive Coachingcalled:I am right, and I am wrong.It falls under one of the 4 areas of intimidation: Intimidation by demand. You are right in wanting to share your ideas, opinions and feedback and you are wrong in your delivery. Only 7% of communication are the words we use, approximately 58% is your body language (particularly your facial expressions) and the 38% of your intonation.
Today let’s focus on intonation. Too often we underestimate its impact when it comes to making a positive connection in the heat of crucial conversations.It’s not what you say it’s how you say it.In the DISC personality profile, there are four traits: Dominance, Influence, Steadiness and Conscientiousness. Simply put some people are: Task Driven, People Driven, Process Driven and Logic (data) Driven. Intonation matters most when communicating with someone who is people driven and/or process driven. Task driven and Logic driven people also care about intonation yet are more prone to forget the importance of intonation in the midst of asking for the data they need or moving a task forward toward completion. Often times putting things before people causes intonation in the delivery of the words we use to take a back seat, yet it can make ALL the difference in the outcomes we seek.
Take Action:
This week observe the intonation you use, with yourself (inner self-talk) and others. Is it kind? Loving? Does it reflect patience and grace? Does it come across as condescending? Pushy? Critical? Demanding? Emotional Intelligence in Christ invites us to move past our judgements into high noticing around the presence of the Holy Spirit within us who moves us to make the love of God recognizable in this world. When we are left to our own triggers and emotional flare-ups, drama overrides positive forward steps in our relationships.
Emotional Intelligence in Christis the activation (wakefulness, attentiveness) of the Holy Spirit within us to help us discern and manage our emotions and behaviors (intonation, body language) in a way that honors God, by loving others well as Jesus did.
Learning & Retention Tip:We often seek out information that will help us do two things: thrive and survive. As you read through today’s blog ask yourself: What am I doing in my life that is causing me anxiety? What are my available resources? What resources do I want to gather to myself?
Coaching Question:As I reflect on the intonation I use with myself and others, what would I have wanted to do differently to honor the best version of myself in God and encourage the best version of others? In the upcoming week I want to do more of this___________ and less of that_________________. Write it down and carry it with you this week.
Support Resources:
Listen to the recent Edge God In podcast 4 part series:Emotional Intelligence in Christ: Problem Solving Strategiesof High Ds, Is, Ss, Cs.
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