Tips to Help You Sabotage Relationships You Care About

stress relief solutions

To connect or not, the choice is yours. You come into the world with a certain personality and emotional acuity. Life happens, including different perspectives and responses. The problem occurs when familiar reactive responses override your desire to create positive connections with people you care about.

When you are in a heated discussion with another person often times you ignite your primal brain, which paralyzes your ability to access creative solution based thinking along with igniting stress hormones in the body.


Open-minded thinking shuts down as soon as you feel attacked in a conversation. Your ability to truly listen is swallowed up with an unbridled focus to protect your position in the argument at all costs. The following three responses are sure to sabotage relationships you care about:


Stonewalling (tuning the other person out) is a common response when a person is feeling attacked.


Defensive Behavior is another common response when you feel threatened in a conversation.  The EGO (Edging God Out) has a hay day in this type of reactive behavior. In Tae Kwon Do we referred to this as: Block, Punch, Kick


Ugly Talk talk or more commonly known as criticism often shows up quickly in a conversation that occurs in the primal brain. Ugly talk also uses the the communication modality of intonation in the form of contempt (conveying disgust).


Have you ever used any of the above responses in a heated discussion?  Of course not. ;  )


Perhaps you ask: Well, how else am I suppose to respond when I’m feeling attacked, judged or mis-understood in a heated conversation?


Good question.  Next time you feel your face getting red, your heart beating fast and your blood pressure rising and the primal urge to ship wreck a healthy connection try these tips:


  1.  Oxygenate your brain so that you remain open to your ability to access the back part of your brain responsible for solution based thinking.  Count to 10 as you say, “breathe in and out…in and out”.  As you calm your biological response, you become capable of CHOOSING your response verses REACTING to the perceived threat.


  1.  You only feel inferior by your own consent.  Understand that anything any human being says or does truly has anything to do with you personally AND everything to do with perceptions of life. Pray for the grace to take nothing personal.  This allows you to remain curious and fascinated, capable of accessing healthy problem solving thinking.


  1.  Realize you do not have to respond immediately.  In fact studies show that people who take a 1/2 hour “cool down” break before responding in a heated argument have a much higher success rate for solution based resolution. You can say, “I want to cool down, de-stress, access the back of my brain before responding…confident this will benefit both of us…I’ll be back.”


Have fun practicing and remember we are here to remember what our soul already knows: you are created by love, for love to love.

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